holy crap
crap. i feel like crap. sudden onset of crappiness. someone once told me not to use that word, "crap", because it’s not so nice to hear…but that’s what i feel. i feel like crap.
i feel hungry…haven’t eaten lunch yet.
i feel like shitting (literally shitting)…but can’t.
i feel like vomiting…that’s how nervous i am about tomorrow…my stomach’s in knots just thinking about tomorrow…my knees feel weak just thinking about what i’m about to do tomorrow…my pulse starts racing thinking about what could, will, might, happen tomorrow. tomorrow…oh dear Lord, please help me get through tomorrow…tomorrow, tomorrow…will i love you tomorrow? it’s only a day aawwwaaayy….
i told my friend that i am "a bit" prepared already for tomorrow’s class…but i guess i’m not…or am i? i think i am…maybe…waah! i’m so confused!
i am confused…i keep on thinking about things…one minute i’m so sure about one thing…the next thing i’m not…the second minute i know that i am…but the next minute i doubt…i doubt, then i’m sure…i think, then i feel, i am, but i’m not…confused..confused…confused…or not.
confusion then makes me feel anxious…i know that i can study well for that fucking pharma removals…but then i think about it, and i start to feel sick…i know that i will be able to wing it but then i think, and start to feel paranoid about not passing it…but i will make it through, i know i will, i just hope i don’t go crazy before i do…
or am i crazy now? i think i am…my friend says i am…crazy…crap..i think i am…arrgghh…the agony of thinking and feeling…wish i were back in my shell, not thinking, not feeling…empty…nothing…bare…i just want to be…
…so much more than i am right now…but what that means i have no idea what…i want things that i know i can’t have…i want to be with people i can’t be with now…i want to do things, but i just don’t know how…i want and i want…but i don’t even know what…
crap. i feel like crap.
