grand freakin’ summer.

crap. i feel like crap. sudden onset of crappiness. someone once told me not to use that word, "crap", because it’s not so nice to hear…but that’s what i feel. i feel like crap.

i feel hungry…haven’t eaten lunch yet.

i feel like shitting (literally shitting)…but can’t.

i feel like vomiting…that’s how nervous i am about tomorrow…my stomach’s in knots just thinking about tomorrow…my knees feel weak just thinking about what i’m about to do tomorrow…my pulse starts racing thinking about what could, will, might, happen tomorrow. tomorrow…oh dear Lord, please help me get through tomorrow…tomorrow, tomorrow…will i love you tomorrow? it’s only a day aawwwaaayy….

i told my friend that i am "a bit" prepared already for tomorrow’s class…but i guess i’m not…or am i? i think i am…maybe…waah! i’m so confused!

i am confused…i keep on thinking about things…one minute i’m so sure about one thing…the next thing i’m not…the second minute i know that i am…but the next minute i doubt…i doubt, then i’m sure…i think, then i feel, i am, but i’m not…confused..confused…confused…or not.

confusion then makes me feel anxious…i know that i can study well for that fucking pharma removals…but then i think about it, and i start to feel sick…i know that i will be able to wing it but then i think, and start to feel paranoid about not passing it…but i will make it through, i know i will, i just hope i don’t go crazy before i do…

or am i crazy now? i think i am…my friend says i am…crazy…crap..i think i am…arrgghh…the agony of thinking and feeling…wish i were back in my shell, not thinking, not feeling…empty…nothing…bare…i just want to be…

…so much more than i am right now…but what that means i have no idea what…i want things that i know i can’t have…i want to be with people i can’t be with now…i want to do things, but i just don’t know how…i want and i want…but i don’t even know what…

crap. i feel like crap.

the past days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride… and can i just say, i am not a big fan of roller coasters…

thursday morning: woke up, grabbed a book (knife of dreams! yey!), read the whole morning away. nothing beats that. happy me!

thursday lunch: lumpiang shanghai, yummy! happy tummy!

thursday afternoon: shangrila, witnessed a creative mind at work. impressed, extremely impressed.

thursday night: happy birthday kay! yummy pasta, chilli con carne, chicken! beer! videoke! and good company…complete recipe to a fun, fun night! happy, happy me!

friday morning: woke up. nothing beats waking up to good conversation (thanks yum!) and "ice cream" =p

friday lunch: aling taba…..sunny….news…removals…ob? ob. pharma??? what the fucckk??? NOOOooooooo!!!

friday afternoon: i’m fucking removing pharma?? but whhaaayyy?? whaaayy??

friday afternoon still: …………. fuck….. pharma … fuck.

still friday afternoon: FUCK PHARMA! BUUURRNNN!!!! AAARRGGHH!!! DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!

friday afternoon again still: ob?? new list?? not removing ob anymore! waaaah! oh joy, oh joy!

friday late afternoon: ….breathe…pharma…fine…remove…bring it on…early dinner with yum and elmer…rosalynz…solid…good food…great company..what more can i ask for? happy.

friday early evening: yum driving…..realizations….WHAT THE FUCK??? YOU’RE RIGHT!!! AAARRGGGHH! NOOooooo…. unfair? it is! its is unfair. crap. no.

friday mid evening: phone. now it’s sinking in…sinking…sinking…..FUCK! BITCH OUT! DAMMNNN YOUU PHARMAAA!!! WHHHAAAYYY???? **sniff*. evil evil thoughts. stop. feel bad. selfish me.YM. the traid. evil thoughts. FUCK YOU PHARMA!!!

friday late evening: …..stop thinking….have to finish this script…pharma…fine…remove…bring it on….

saturday 1:45am. tired. spent. sleep. today’s another day.

i love drugs as much as the next person…

but i hate fucking pharma…

burn pharma, burn.die a slow painful death.die a thousand deaths.i curse you to the ends of the earth…and back. die pharma die.

after 3 days of just wasting…literally…wasting away in bed…i finally feel life coursing through my veins! i’m…aaa…lliiiivvveee…!!!

so how does it feel to be alive, you may ask?…

weell…let’s see…it actually feels good… to be out of bed before lunch…be able to see how mornings are at home these days…see breakfast on the table instead of lunch…watch morning shows instead of the usual afternoon shows that really are not so pleasing for me to watch or hear…

it feels abling… to be doing something else (i.e. clean my room) besides sleep in the afternoon, although it really is tempting to do just that, seeing how extremely hot it is these days…be able to move out of sleeping in our couch, because (as i have mentioned earlier) i finally am able to clean my room (yey!)…

it feels liberating… to be able to listen to my music and read a book, because i finally have a place (my new clean room!) to listen to and read without people bothering me…

it feels refreshing… to be able to do (for a change) productive things, like talking to people from work, and finally knowing what it is i am supposed to do when i actually do go to work next week…be able to go out of the house, stretch my legs,play with my godson (can’t believe how big he’s gotten!)…and even throw a frisbee or two with my sister and nephew…

and it just feels right… to finally, just finally be doing something, anything that will keep my mind off things that i’m not supposed to be thinking…

so, how does it feel to be alive? …feels damned good.