grand freakin’ summer.

i’m a real sucker…sucker…fooool….stupid…stupid me…i always do this to myself…i convince myself of something that i shouldn’t be convinced of…why??? whaaaaayy do i do this? haaay…but come to think of it…i actually don’t feel that bad…maybe this time i just half-convinced myself of something…and as bad as it is…it aint that bad…i think…or maybe i am again just convincing myself of it not being bad when deep inside i know it is THAT bad…grrr…thoughts…stupid stupid thoughts…hate it…but really…i think i’m finally moving on…seriously moving on…because i really don’t feel that bad…i think this, my writing now, is just the result of my pride…this is my pride talking here…yup…my good old pride….one that i can’t just seem to let go of….grr…haayy…stupid thoughts in the middle of the freakin’ night when i should be doing something else more productive…niiicceee buday…niiiceee…haaayy…feeling better i guess…but i really am getting better…i’m moving on…so enough for now…enough…

hanging out with three guys for two whole days…maybe one of the better days i’ve spent yet!

went to dasma with nothing more planned than to get in…get my books from elmer, give him the entourage dvds, and look at the promotions list…and out, soon after the whole ordeal was through…but with a little prodding from sunny…that whole in and out thing plan was doomed from the start..who could resist hanging out in dasma, with no money and nothing to do? hahaha!

and so we idled away the afternoon, them guys doing their guy thing, playing battlefield in this computer shop, while i, ignorant computer game freak that i am, stayed outside and read…read the afternoon away…

dinner plans were made while eating mcflurry, sundae and hamburger…dinner with who? no other than dr. RA himself, thanks to our ever reliable mr. magar…we spent the night eating cheese, drinking wine, watching les’ miserables concert on tv…with good company, good food and crazy conversations, it was a definitely a night to remember!

early tuesday morning started with my feeling nauseated, my stomach cramping, and me just feeling very anxious…promotions list day…crap…tried to while away the time reading…did not really help even with elmer there doing the very same thing…wang building…freakin’ shit! the list still wasn’t out…

what the hell, might as well just eat lunch…and again spend the afternoon playing battlefield…which by now them 3 guys forced me into playing…them leaving me to the slaughter might i just add…thank you khash for teaching me the battlefield ways! will get my revenge on those three the next time we play! hah!

and finally, just when i thought i was going home…one of the happiest moments in med school happened! all of us, finally, after much anticipation and waiting, are officially MOVING ON TO 3rd YEAR! oh happy happy day!

sunny, on the phone the whole afternoon calling just about everybody and spreading the good news…

lelo, laughing and crying at the same time out of sheer joy!

and elmer just there, solidly taking everything in..enjoying the moment…happy that we’re all freakin’ going to 3rd year…together! no man gets left behind! the gianuzzi’s strikes again! hahaha!

after all the laughing and the crying and the hugging and the craziness, the afternoon finally settled down…no one wanting to go home yet…but, as the saying goes, all good things must come to and end and so we all parted ways…but still looking forward to the days ahead…especially to may 16 when we finally walk down the halls of lasalle as freakin’ 3rd year medical students! woohoo! hehehe!

so here’s to you sunny, elmer and lelo…thanks to two happy happy days! hehehe! will be seeing you guys! *big hug*

i hate this feeling…this feeling that something…anything…is about to happen…what it is, i have no idea..but it’s there somewhere in my head…in my tightening chest…making me forget to breathe for a minute..a second…this feeling…that makes me want to vomit, vomit the feeling away if i could, but can’t…

i hate it that i can’t explain it…or maybe i can, but am just denying the explanation that it offers…willingly…only waiting for me to accept it…or  maybe i have accepted it and the accepting part makes me feel the way i am feeling now…

i hate it that everytime i feel that the feeling has finally gone…it resurfaces like somekind of monster lurking in the shadows of my mind…waiting to pounce on me like a rabid wolf…just there waiting…waiting…feeding off of me, waiting for me to break…break and just stop…stop feeling, but can’t…

i try, try so hard to figure out what this is that i’m feeling..trying so hard but failing…i just try and do anything, something that will just make me not feel and think…but everytime i try i just fail…i just want to know…want to know what this is…what it is that’s supposed to happen.. or not happen…i just want to know just so this feeling can finally stop…stop…and leave me in peace.

I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)

[Meg:] If there’s a prize for rotten judgement

I guess I’ve already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

That’s ancient history, been there, done that!

[Muses:] Who’d'ya think you’re kiddin’

He’s the Earth and heaven to you

Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through you

Girl, ya can’t conceal it

We know how ya feel and Who you’re thinking of

[Meg:] No chance, no way I won’t say it, no, no

[Muses:] You swoon, you sigh why deny it, uh-oh

[Meg:] It’s too cliche I won’t say I’m in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson

It feels so good when you start out

My head is screaming get a grip, girl

Unless you’re dying to cry your heart out Oh

[Muses:] You keep on denying Who you are and how you’re feeling

Baby, we’re not buying

Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling

Face it like a grown-up

When ya gonna own up

That ya got, got, got it bad

[Meg:] No chance, now way I won’t say it, no, no

[Muses:] Give up, give in Check the grin you’re in love

[Meg:] This scene won’t play, I won’t say I’m in love

[Muses:] You’re doin flips read our lips You’re in love

[Meg:] You’re way off base I won’t say it

Get off my case I won’t say it

[Muses:] Girl, don’t be proud It’s O.K. you’re in love

[Meg:] Oh At least out loud, I won’t say I’m in love

best way to move on…

hearing people tell you to for the nth time…

and

actually sealing the deal with a "kampia" and "cheerios" to boot!

here’s to moving on! *kampia! cheerios!*

i love pharma! does pharma love me though is the big question…well…based on the effort i made studying for the freakin’ removals and the way the exam bit my ass back…i’m guessing pharma HATES me big time…but what the hell…story of my life…unrequited love…hahaha!

but i do love you pharma…hope i’ll be seeing you 3rd year…and hope you’ll have a change of heart by then…’till then my love…’till then….

i realized that i actually have been bitching out this whole time about most everything that’s been happening to me…you might get the impression that i’m living a crappy (for lack of a better term) life…but really i’m not…really…hahaha!

it’s just that i (again) realized that bitching out’s easy…the emotions one feels may be so extreme that words just seem to pour out of one’s mouth, like a faucet running unchecked…and before you know it everything’s out, spiraling down the drain…and one feels so much better once it’s all out…well for me atleast…

but i too get bit weary about bitching out…(that’s an understatement coming from someone who may just be dubbed as the "bitch-out queen")…because one has to be very careful as to who you bitch out to…i am just lucky that i have incredible, solid, great, amazing friends who patiently listen to me when i’m in one of those moods…but then, i do also worry that i may just wear them out from all the bitching out i do…i hope i don’t…or do i? waaah! (sorry!) but i am just really, really thankful for them…i’d go crazy if it weren’t for them incredible, solid, great, amazing friends of mine!

the point is…i am happy, really, even though i bitch out far too many times…i am…it’s just that i find it hard to put into words just how happy i am at times…i just am…

like yesterday, yesterday was a happy day for me…how do i describe how happy i was…i don’t know…but it was…chilling with your bestest friends in the world…talking and laughing about anything and everything under the sun…nothing beats that…happy…it was a happy day!

today was also no exception…waking up early in the morning, doing something productive, going back to dasma, cleaning up my dorm (yup, i do, i enjoy cleaning my dorm!), cozying up with a good book, just looking out beyond the skies and not thinking about anything, chilling out with friends, being greeted with a big hug and smile from gian upon getting home…being thanked for doing the simplest thing…happy…it is a happy day!

so really, even with all the bitch out’s i do (which happens a bit often these days, damn pharma!)…at the end of the day, i still do get to see happiness in the little things that happen to me…and that, i think, is what matters, right?

so let’s all raise our beers (woohoo! see, that’s happiness in a bottle right there!) and cheers to being happy! *cheers! cheers!*

crap. i feel like crap. sudden onset of crappiness. someone once told me not to use that word, "crap", because it’s not so nice to hear…but that’s what i feel. i feel like crap.

i feel hungry…haven’t eaten lunch yet.

i feel like shitting (literally shitting)…but can’t.

i feel like vomiting…that’s how nervous i am about tomorrow…my stomach’s in knots just thinking about tomorrow…my knees feel weak just thinking about what i’m about to do tomorrow…my pulse starts racing thinking about what could, will, might, happen tomorrow. tomorrow…oh dear Lord, please help me get through tomorrow…tomorrow, tomorrow…will i love you tomorrow? it’s only a day aawwwaaayy….

i told my friend that i am "a bit" prepared already for tomorrow’s class…but i guess i’m not…or am i? i think i am…maybe…waah! i’m so confused!

i am confused…i keep on thinking about things…one minute i’m so sure about one thing…the next thing i’m not…the second minute i know that i am…but the next minute i doubt…i doubt, then i’m sure…i think, then i feel, i am, but i’m not…confused..confused…confused…or not.

confusion then makes me feel anxious…i know that i can study well for that fucking pharma removals…but then i think about it, and i start to feel sick…i know that i will be able to wing it but then i think, and start to feel paranoid about not passing it…but i will make it through, i know i will, i just hope i don’t go crazy before i do…

or am i crazy now? i think i am…my friend says i am…crazy…crap..i think i am…arrgghh…the agony of thinking and feeling…wish i were back in my shell, not thinking, not feeling…empty…nothing…bare…i just want to be…

…so much more than i am right now…but what that means i have no idea what…i want things that i know i can’t have…i want to be with people i can’t be with now…i want to do things, but i just don’t know how…i want and i want…but i don’t even know what…

crap. i feel like crap.

the past days have been one hell of a roller coaster ride… and can i just say, i am not a big fan of roller coasters…

thursday morning: woke up, grabbed a book (knife of dreams! yey!), read the whole morning away. nothing beats that. happy me!

thursday lunch: lumpiang shanghai, yummy! happy tummy!

thursday afternoon: shangrila, witnessed a creative mind at work. impressed, extremely impressed.

thursday night: happy birthday kay! yummy pasta, chilli con carne, chicken! beer! videoke! and good company…complete recipe to a fun, fun night! happy, happy me!

friday morning: woke up. nothing beats waking up to good conversation (thanks yum!) and "ice cream" =p

friday lunch: aling taba…..sunny….news…removals…ob? ob. pharma??? what the fucckk??? NOOOooooooo!!!

friday afternoon: i’m fucking removing pharma?? but whhaaayyy?? whaaayy??

friday afternoon still: …………. fuck….. pharma … fuck.

still friday afternoon: FUCK PHARMA! BUUURRNNN!!!! AAARRGGHH!!! DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!

friday afternoon again still: ob?? new list?? not removing ob anymore! waaaah! oh joy, oh joy!

friday late afternoon: ….breathe…pharma…fine…remove…bring it on…early dinner with yum and elmer…rosalynz…solid…good food…great company..what more can i ask for? happy.

friday early evening: yum driving…..realizations….WHAT THE FUCK??? YOU’RE RIGHT!!! AAARRGGGHH! NOOooooo…. unfair? it is! its is unfair. crap. no.

friday mid evening: phone. now it’s sinking in…sinking…sinking…..FUCK! BITCH OUT! DAMMNNN YOUU PHARMAAA!!! WHHHAAAYYY???? **sniff*. evil evil thoughts. stop. feel bad. selfish me.YM. the traid. evil thoughts. FUCK YOU PHARMA!!!

friday late evening: …..stop thinking….have to finish this script…pharma…fine…remove…bring it on….

saturday 1:45am. tired. spent. sleep. today’s another day.

i love drugs as much as the next person…

but i hate fucking pharma…

burn pharma, burn.die a slow painful death.die a thousand deaths.i curse you to the ends of the earth…and back. die pharma die.